Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Jersey Shore "Situation Problems"

I'm ending my blogging on the "Jersey Shore" after this season ... one more show to watch. Hopefully, I will be able to keep up with my blogging with fewer shows and the reality TV that I continue to find interesting. I no longer find these Peter Pan wannabes interesting. The Jersey Shore gang needs to grow up. I'm not going to encourage the continuation of this show by blogging about it anymore ... But to be fair, they have entertained me. They are so far from me and from my life ... that it's been an education. I hope they are the exception and not the rule. My children (who are 21 and 18) say they do not know anybody who behaves the way the Jersey gang behaves, so I take that as a good sign.

Having said that, I will give Jenni credit. I follow her on Twitter. I think she is the only one who has actually grown up. I would never have believed it by watching the first few seasons. But I think love has changed her. I'm glad for her.

Back to the show. Surprise Surprise. Jionni doesn't like Snooki sleeping with other guys! I think he's OK with other girls after the Deena escapades. He seems to want to break up with her. She's crying. I can't tell if they are a couple or not.

Deena, ugh, wants to sleep with Pauly D. He shows his smarts by dodging her at every turn and twist. This guy wants no part of that. So, while they are at the club, he's desperately trying to find a girl to bring home. He strikes out.

Thank goodness, Deena and Snooki aren't ready to go home with the rest of the gang so Pauly D doesn't have to sleep with his eyes wide open. Deena and Snooki head to another club where they are harassed and even THE BARTENDER wants them gone. He throws ice at them, so they rip apart his bar. Out they go.

Sam and Jenni are getting along great and Deena and Snooki are drinking along great. After a sleepless night, they head out drinking again in the morning and fall asleep in a bar. Out they go.

Mike keeps causing problems because he is a drama queen. He angers people at every bar he goes to, tries to start fights between the roommates, and is just being a pain in everyone's tanned rears. The group makes it clear that they don't care if comes to Jersey for next season. I hope not. Someone younger!

They have their last Sunday dinner with Jenni and Sam cooking. There's a little arguing ALREADY about the Jersey shore house because no one wants to share a room with Mike. Vinnie thinks he should get what he wants. Sam wants some "compromisation." I think I know what she meant. We'll see.

One more episode. Sorry I'm behind.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Bridezillas - "Tifani & Johanne"

One of the groomsmen, poor unsuspecting Marcus, did the unthinkable and missed his tux fitting. Tifani doesn't forgive or forget or nothing ... he's going to pay. So, she decides to reward him with a pan full of brownies laced with laxatives. She enlists the help of a friend for this dirty deed. They make the tasty treat, put them in the oven and promptly forget as they head to do errands. Luckily for Tifani, her mom is at her beck and call and gets the brownies from the oven for her. One problem. Mom has a sweet tooth and takes a few of the brownies for herself and Brandi (I'm guessing Tifani's sister). Tifani confesses and once again, she's lucky that mom has a sense of humor.

Later, she delivers the laxative-laced snack to her intended target.He has a bite or two and when he tries to share the brownies, Tifani doesn't like it. He's a smart guy and now he no longer wants to eat the brownies. Bathroom visit averted.

There is not a groomsman nor bridesmaid within a 10-mile radius of Tifani who doesn't get a beat down. Next to feel the heat is Jonathan's cousin. She doesn't like him and doesn't want him at her wedding so she pushes and punches to get her message across.

Then there's the rehearsal and, after that, the rehearsal dinner. Problem is ... no one wants to be around Tifani and she finds herself stranded at the wedding locale. Her mom sends someone to pick her up, and when she finally gets to the dinner, she is maaaaddd at Jonathan. He plays dumb (What? You were supposed to ride with me?) but then admits he left her there on purpose. "She was getting on my nerves." Gotta like this guy.

Wedding day arrives. She's drinking and getting ready. Jonathan is late. Will he show? He does. At the ceremony, she says a few sweet words to him and he responds appropriately with "I really love you a lot."

Just when you think you have seen it all on Bridezillas, and the worst is past you and the brides can't get any skankier or meaner or crankier ... they introduce Johanne.

Tattooed from head to toe (although that is what I like best about her), is 34-year-old Joanne, who is scheduled to marry the long-suffering (I don't understand this guy) 43-year-old Ed. If I heard right, they met in the military and, according to him, it was love at first sight. According to her, he's not all that. She claims she usually likes to date the "everybody wants to be with him" type of guy and poor Ed is just the opposite. Those are her words. She admits she agreed to marry him because she wants a wedding. And, for one more reason, because no matter how bad she treats him, no matter how many times she cheats on him ... he takes it. This guy is something else. Or she is.

Johanne heads to a pawn shop to buy him a cheap ring. His reward for marrying her. She cries broke and only spends $200 for his ring. Then, something catches her eye. A ring for herself! That one is $2,400 and, yes, she shells out the cash.

But the worst is yet to come. She wants Ed to get a tattoo that she has picked out while she gets a tattoo at the same time. He's blindfolded and she chooses a tattoo for him that reads "Property of Joanne" with big red lips. Her tattoo is on the inside of her thigh and declares the truth ... 100 % Certifiable. While her fiance is blindfolded and being branded, she is flirting, scheduling a date (yes A DATE) with and kissing (yes KISSING) the tattoo artist on her side of the wall. Ed sadly says, "Getting the tattoo wasn't painful. Listening to the sexual banter from my wife really hurt."

Poor Ed. I'm wondering if this wedding will happen.We'll see next week.

Bridezillas - "Kera & Tifani"

Tifani, 27, and her music-producer-wannbe fiance Jonathan, also 27, live and work in Shreveport, Louisiana, and that is where they will be married. They have been together 12 years ... and they met in high school. They have one child and lots of stories to tell on each other. He cheated on her then she cheated on him and now that that is out of the way, it's time to get married.

At a fitting for her bridal gown, Tifani doesn't want to put it on because the more she tries on her wedding dress, the less she likes it. So, it makes sense for her bridesmaid, Tisha, who is a different size, to try it on. Tifani insists. It doesn't fit. She still won't try on her dress. The seamstress will have to make do. This bridezilla will not change her mind or her clothes.

Then, Tisha still in tow, they head to the wedding site to check out the chandeliers that will line the rows of her outside wedding. However, there are only two. Tifani asks Tisha what she thinks and then doesn't like the truth! Tisha thinks she needs a few more fixtures, and thinks red candles might be nice. Red candles? Tifani thinks Tisha is off her rocker if she thinks candles would look good in a "chandelier" made for candles. Flowers! Tifani wants flowers in the stupid thing.

Because Tifani is on a budget, her mom is serving as the caterer. Tifani still insists on a taste test and her mom feeds her from a pan of  "dirty rice." When Tifani and her mom start working on the dining budget, Tifani starts eliminating things to save money ... the beef in the rice, the salad, the plates? Pretty soon she doesn't even want to serve the guests food. Then, with mom's encouragement, she makes some comment about using her "food stamp" card for food. I'm pretty sure those are not meant to pay the catering budget.

Money. Money. Money. Tifani wants a fancy glam wedding, but in no way does she want to pay for it. Next to feel her penny-pinching ways is Shana, the friend and videographer, who wants a measly $75 for her trouble. Shana admits she was going to do it for free, and make Tifani sweat a little, until Tifani starts berating her for choosing to pay other bills vs. paying for a bridesmaid dress. So, now she pays Shana, too.

It's drama for Kera when she and her crew head to the bridal shop for the wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses and they aren't ready ... and they leave for the wedding the next day. She practically threatens the poor little elderly seamstress who begins hemming for her life. Literally. Then Kera cries and pouts and has a little fit. She keeps crying even though things are going her way. Wait ... is she doing this for the cameras?

At Kera's bachelorette party, her MOM wants to buy her a lap dance. Really mom? Next day, karma hits the inappropriate mom and her car breaks down on the way to the Vegas nuptials. Kera don't care. She heads on without her. After she is in Vegas, the party starts again.

On her wedding day, Kera is beautified by the Treasure Island hair stylist and makeup artist, and Kera is happy with the results. Married finally in the casino chapel ... they promise lots of love to each other and no kids just yet. They need to grow up first.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Bridezillas - Kim & Kera

The wrath of Kim knows no bounds. One of her bridesmaids shows up (after the water on the head in the bed incident ... see previous blog), and Kim literally starts pushing her around. Monique had the nerve to miss a dress fitting for Kim's "one time deal." Really? THIS IS A RENEWAL OF VOWS. NOT A REAL WEDDING.

Kim does not like gum chewing. Do not chew gum around this girl. You will get a smack down. She left one of her bridesmaids on the side of the road for chewing gum.

This is the "Kim Show" ... her words, not mine. Everyone else is an extra. In her twisted analogy, "If Julia Roberts did a movie and all the extras quit, it would still be a great movie because she is Julia Roberts." OK. However, Julia Roberts would probably not want everyone to quit or treat everyone rudely because she doesn't want people to think she is a diva or hateful or difficult to be around. It would hurt her professional and personal life. Kim is no Julia Roberts.

When Kim's mom finally intervenes because everyone is complaining about Kim, even she caves to Kim and asks everyone to help Kim out for her "wedding" RENEWAL. I added that last part.

On Kim's wedding day, the hair stylist is no where to be found. Good idea. Kim is doing hair herself. She is so stressed she kicks the camera crew out.

Finally, the vows are renewed and the bride is wearing white. Really?

Kera, 23, and her fiance, Jason, 26, are from Bakersfield, California, but are getting married at the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas. They are a modern couple and met on Myspace. She liked his huge muscles because it definitely wasn't his huge brain.When asked by producers to think of ONE THING he likes about her or sets her apart or makes her special, he can't even speak. He can barely remember his own name.

Kera and her mother and her maid-of-honor, Bre, go shopping for trinkets and stuff for the wedding, and Kera insists her maid of honor fork out the money. Bre's not happy, but she does it anyway.

At her make-up trial, Kera ends up in tears because her make-up doesn't look exactly like Christina Aguilera's make-up in Burlesque. Yes, that movie. Then she thinks her face looks fat. Not the make-up's fault. (This girl is thin, by the way.)

Later, it's time to make party favors or something, but Kera has the attention span of a gnat so she's bored in 15 minutes. She's taking a nap, and she wants everyone else to work. She and Bre get into it, and Bre storms out. Kera has to chase her down and, hopefully, apologize, but she won't do it in front of the cameras.

More on Kera in the next blog. I will try to catch up by tomorrow. I am so behind ...

Bridezillas - Ruby & Kim

Kim, 30, and her man, Walter, 32, have been together for 10 years. They have three kids ... and they are already married. They want to renew their vows. I will never, never, never understand why people want to renew their vows. They are already committed to each other. It's a done deal. I don't understand. Somebody help me.

For Kim, it's because she wants a "show" with a production going on around her. She's an event planner for a living so she wants to plan her own event that is all about her. What does she find the most stressful? Her bridesmaids. For some reason, they have lives that don't rotate around this ALREADY MARRIED PERSON.

She submits her bridesmaids to dance workouts. Forcefully removes gum from her sister's mouth. She's not a bridezilla, she is a housewifezilla. She's on the wrong show.

At her bachelorette party, a LINGERIE party, there is lots of liquor and the obligatory vulgar stripper ... this one is called "Night Train." Hell no.

On her weddding, her sister doesn't feel like getting out of bed to listen to Kim's constant demands ... so Kim dumps a bucket of ice or water on her head. NO ONE wants to wake up like that. So ... you guessed it ... a fight! Kim is scary crazy.

Ruby, 25, is marrying Chris, 26, and they live in Austin, Texas. She has supposedly lost some weight, so she's feeling good about herself. She looks fine. However, she don't act right.

First up, she heads to the tanning salon and two of her bridesmaids are no-shows. Ruby is pissed, and as she says, "Revenge is my second name." Not middle name, second name. So ... she heads to one of the bridemaids' apartments and the "no show" is sleeping because she has a job and had to work the night before. "No excuses" Ruby blasts her out of bed and forces her to go the salon. At the salon, Ruby is very, very worried that the salon owner (who is handling the tanning) will find her simply irresistible so she gives him the third degree about his personal life (the guy is married with kids and just wants her OUTTA there). He admits to being a little afraid of her.

Ruby puts her bridesmaids through a workout that she can't handle herself, and she stops in the middle of it. She claims she is "nice" for helping them out with their workouts and counting calories and all.

All in all, Ruby is a boring bride with a vulgar mouth. She worries about what other people are drinking or eating or wearing or looking at, but she probably should just listen to herself for two seconds. Is she the most vulgar bridezilla? Maybe not. One of the most? Yes. Her amazing wedding that she was so worried about has maybe 20 guests? I don't know. A pretty girl with a potty mouth ... that's Ruby.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Jersey Shore "Damage is Done"

I don't really understand men. And I really really don't understand Mike. To make Snooki like him or notice him (How old IS this guy?), he makes up his own perverted game of "telephone" ... Remember the game from your childhood where you whisper something to someone then they whisper it to someone else and so on and by the end of the game the story has changed? ... Only Mike calls it "Who's the rat?" He's trying to get the roommates to tell on him. So, he tells a lie to hurt Snooki. Say what? And waits to see who tells her. Now how does this help him? Don't they look like good friends to HER? What is his problem? The lie is that he called his friend The Unit (I'm guessing that is not his real name) and tells him to call Jionni and tell him that Snooki has been a bad, bad girl. Again, how does this, in any way, make Mike look good?

Gym, tan, who's the rat? The rat is Mike.

When Snooki doesn't fall into his arms and forgive him for his little prank, Mike threatens to really make the call. Somebody call the producers and tell them to tell Mike to shut up. This guy is the oldest most immature one of the bunch.

Movin' on. The guys take a trip to Sicily to visit Vinnie's family. No drama. Just hugs and wine and fun. The girls take a wine tour. All drama. Just tears and wine and crying.

We all know by now that Snooki did actually get a little tipsy and sleep with Vinnie. She claims she loves Jionni. Jenni tells her like it is and says, "Man up. If you loved Jionni, you wouldn't have slept with Vinnie." Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Jenni. The voice of reason. Snooki, never the voice of reason, says Jenni is not being a friend.

Poor little drunk Snooki has to fess up. Not once. Three times. To Jionni. We'll see more what happens next week. I'm not sure Jionni can take any more of her phone calls. He can't be sure what's coming next.

Big Easy Brides "Booty Bouncing Bash"

The season finale!

Wedding No. 1
Mundeep and Saras want a "last minute meeting" and it's just in time because Mundeep's traditional Indian mom has a bride on her way from India for an arranged marriage for her son. She doesn't like the beautiful and westernized Saras, who was not raised in a traditional Indian culture nor does she wear traditional dress. Mom's not happy, but they get married anyway. For once, this does not look staged! This girl is happy and in love! Good for Saras and Mundeep!

Wedding No. 2
Christine and Stephanie are a same sex couple opting for a "last kiss wedding." I think Stephanie made this up. Anyway, during the ceremony, Stephanie is walked down the aisle (by her sister maybe?) and gets to give kisses to other women until she reaches Christine for her "last kiss" and Christine will be the last person she will ever kiss. So there you have it, but Stephanie does linger a little long on one blonde. The ceremony is performed and the partying starts ... then ... you guessed it. Stephanie sneaks off to play kissy face in the back room with the blonde. Christine tears up the fake marriage certificate. Stephanie chases her down. They put tape on the fake marriage certificate. All's well. Except it's not. Good luck Christine. Once a dog, always a dog. (I think I'm quoting the wedding planner there.)

Wedding No. 3
Bob and Heather, in full sci-fi costume, and their earthling wedding guests (dressed appropriately in silver paint and tinfoil) are all in for a ride at this space odyssey wedding. Instead of saying "I do" or a simple "yes" ... Bob and Heather are both snorting and clicking and sniffing their vows to each other at warpspeed. I'm not sure if they are married or have the flu. I volunteer these two for the next space station adventure. Or when the aliens want to experiment on somebody.

Wedding No. 4
It's a double safari adventure wedding! Layla and Raphael and Diamond and Kevin want a double wedding with a safari theme and lions and tigers and zebras! And they want to "booty bounce." It's a dance. Except they can't get along. They argue over money. Over who's copying who. Or who looks good in what. At the wedding, it's questionable if anyone is going to show up. Finally, Diamond and Kevin are ready to do the deed. Then, Layla and Raphael want to do the same. Except Layla wants a "trail" ... or a "train" as most brides call them. She gets her trail. And they all get to bounce happily ever after.

Big Easy Brides "River Boat Rivalry"

Wedding No. 1
Shantrelle and Aisha are a same sex couple who want a "pimp and ho" wedding at the French Quarter Wedding Chapel. I have no idea what that means. I'm assuming it's the way they are dressed and not the way they live their lives. Prior to the ceremony, Shantrelle feels that the wedding planner, Maria ... who is sitting comfortably close to Aisha on the couch and commenting on her pretty lips ... is getting a little too friendly. I agree. Really, Maria, get your own same sex friend.

Wedding No. 2
Lacee and John are a May - December romance. She's about 20 and he's ... oh ... maybe 80? I don't know. But, I'm sure it's love. Is he rich? Is she pretty? Are they in love? It's not for me to say. (It's not for the wedding chapel staff to say either and they were caught second guessing this love affair in the backroom by the bride.) In the end, the wedding between "Sweets" and "Honey Bee" went off without a broken heel or hip.

Wedding No. 3
Tennille and Kareem want a "levee wedding." Huh? Something about Katrina or a Hurricane. It's rained out. That makes sense.

Wedding No. 4
John and Sandra, the head of security and a "waitress" at a local strip club, showed up for their extra special bodypaint wedding. I hope she is 21. He is probably twice that. This wedding had all the traditional bridal apparel ... pasties, thongs, high heels and bodypaint ... for Sandra and her bridesmaids. Classy.

Wedding No. 5
Billy and Kari want a Mardi Gras themed wedding! Finally something that makes sense in New Orleans! The bride also wants the wedding on a riverboat, with ice sculptures, and white doves released during the nuptials, and beads, and dancing men, and dolphins swimming alongside the boat, and a masquerade ball  ... well, her unreasonable demands can't be met so she gets the riverboat, and a few drunk friends, and a bridesmaid in a dolphin floatie. She's still married in the end.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Bridezillas “Frankie & Ruby”

Frankie/Ray Rae
I can’t get this girl’s name right. Call her what you will. I’m going with Frankie.

Two days before the wedding between Frankie and Robbie, she doesn’t have a dress. She has to wait six days for a refund for the one dress before she can buy another dress … the FOURTH dress. Everyone is mad at her for her bad dress-buying-decision-making-free-spending. Frankie says everyone can help her by giving her money to buy THE FOURTH DRESS.

Mom caves. There’s a new dress.

And there’s also a bachelorette party. Frankie is mad because the bar won’t let her in free, so they head elsewhere with her entire entourage of 7 or maybe 8 people. BTW, the groom is tagging along.  At the bar, Frankie is acting like the drunken idiot she is … and an argument breaks out over who said “Excuse me” and who didn’t. Important stuff.

Finally, the wedding day arrives. Weirdly, Frankie is the only one with a key to the church, and she’s late. She’s sobbing as she is preparing to walk down the aisle because “no one is listening to me.” And, 45 minutes later, she’s still getting ready. Screaming at everyone where the whole church can hear her. Embarrassing her parents and herself.  Finally, the ceremony. Afterwards, chaos. Dad can’t take it any more and wants her to shut  her mouth. “You are embarrassing me and your mama … again,” he says. She’s cussing in front of God and the kids and everyone.

Glad that is done.

Of all the foul-mouthed bridezillas in the reality TV world, Ruby has got to be one of the worst. And she’s a nurse. I’m not saying that being a nurse makes you a saint, but doesn’t she have to deal with people all day long? Hasn’t she learned to control her potty mouth somewhat?

Ruby, 25, is marrying Chris, 26, in Austin, Texas. They knew each other in junior high, and have now reconnected. She’s lost “100” pounds or maybe it’s “50” (she’s not sure) so she’s feeling good about herself and it gives her the right to critique her bridesmaids. Nice.

Nurse Ratched has nothing on Nurse Ruby. She outlines duties, screams and cusses, makes her bridesmaids get on their knees (literally) and praise her. After that ridiculousness, she makes her bridesmaids “wrap” napkins. They have enough of that and ditch the fun. They are sick of her. Ruby breaks down in tears. She does have a heart. Maybe.

More on Ruby in the next “Bridezillas” update. Sorry I’m behind with my blogging. I will try to catch up by Friday of this week.

Jersey Shore “Three Men and a Snooki”

The drama with Snooki’s boyfriend, Jionni, continues. He has left the building because … among other things such as .. oh, her getting drunk every night and making out with Deena … she literally showed her butt at the club and Jionni didn’t really like that. “No one can  handle me,” laments Snooki. Maybe she’s right. What self-respecting man would want to take her on? 

Although Jionni has left, he hasn’t really left … so they have one more goodbye … thanks to Jenni’s ability to find the train station. Then he’s gone.

A day later, and they are fighting on the phone. I’m not sure, but I think they might have broken up at this point? Snooki is so upset that the only thing that will make her feel better is a night out bumping and grinding with a stranger!

In the meantime, Deena thinks she is pregnant. Spoiler alert. She’s not.

Back to Snooki. Two days later, she seems to be fully over her Jionni heartbreak and wants to party … in the  house … pretending it’s a club. Mike is getting really creepy telling Snooki he “loves” her and ”I would date you.” Jenni and Sammi can’t take it. Does he hear himself?

Snooki is more interested in the others … and crawls into bed with Pauly D to snuggle and then crawls into bed with Vinnie to stay. I believe she has some “splainin to do.”

BTW, Deena wanted her own “snuggle time” with Pauly. She got a big “no thank you” from him and was sent packing.

More next week.