Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 (Constantine Makes His Escape)

I miss Ames. I was really, really bored with this episode. I had time to play Bookworm on my iPad, polish my toenails, eat a cookie, anything to get away from the annoyance that is Ashley.

I will recap anyway. After we listened to Ashley drone on and on about love and watch a recap of her "dating life" with the three finalists ... we know that Ashley is looking for a "happy ending" and anxious for her three dates to arrive in Fiji. She also gets an unexpected guest as Ryan P. makes his return.

Here's the pitch. He's back because he believes he and Ashley have unfinished business. He wonders if she regrets sending him home, and he feels there were things left unsaid. Do we bite? Or do we return from La La Land and realize that we may be seeing the audition for the next Bachelor? I am probably one of the few people left who actually still like Ryan P., and I'm OK with him being the next Bachelor. Am I OK with ABC trotting him out for a trial run? Not really. Do I believe he was sincere in his desire to be with Ashley? Not a chance.

Her first date in Fiji is with Ben. We have Ben on the boat and Ashley in a bikini. She is desperate to get her hands on him and actually straddles him to put sunscreen in all the right places. (She doesn't want him to get sunburned! That's all!) I had never seen a guy so uncomfortable (until later when she is on the date with Constantine). Ashley described it as like being on a "honeymoon." Ah oh.

During their evening date, Ben says he is on his way to the "whole I love you thing." He struggles and stumbles and stutters looking for the right words ... seemingly trying to convince himself that he loves this girl. Poor Ben couldn't have found the right words if he had had a Thesaurus in his lap. Nonetheless, he accepts Ashley's invitation to the "Fantasy Suite" where they both give up their individual rooms and bunk together. I don't even want to know. Ashley believes she and Ben are on the same "page" and apparently that page was in the hot tub or the pool ..

Her second date was with Constantine the "Greek God" ... her words. He was very excited about the helicopter ride and the waterfalls. He didn't seem as excited about her however. It's obvious to Ashley that he needs more time. It's obvious to the rest of the world that he needs less Ashley. This type of dating really isn't for him. I would guess that he didn't even see himself as ever really "dating" her. This guy is conventional and group dating and Ashley do not suit him.

Constantine is along for the ride, but now he wants off. He's literally sitting on the edge of his seat at dinner with Ashley. She finally acknowledges that he doesn't seem to want to even hold her hand, and he admits that it doesn't come naturally to him with her. He's trying to let her down easy, but he's antsy and wants OUT. Finally, he practically sprints away from her. Ashley, ever pensive and now biting her lip, wishes he would have given it more time. Ashley, all the time in the world would not make Constantine want to be with you.

No "Fantasy Suite" for Constantine. He didn't even wait for the offer.

After the exit of Constantine (the man who dodged a bullet), Ashley has "clarity" and knows what she has to do. Tell Ryan P. to head back to the states because she's in love and has found "passion" with two guys. Constantine is quickly forgotten. A man she might have married a day earlier. Whatever. Ryan P. takes the rejection pretty well, and continues his audition ... wondering if he will ever find love. Hello Bachelor!

The final date is with J.P. and he gets to go on an airplane with Ashley! Both he and Ashley are expressing the thought of a lifetime together. No holds barred. He's falling in love, so he says. She wants him to SAY it. He wants her to say he's the ONE. Nobody gets what they want. She tells J.P. about Ryan and Constantine and gives him his "ticket" to an overnight stay with her. He accepts. That makes two.

Despite the fact that she has two roses and two guys, Ashley still wants the ceremony. They must prove their commitment and accept the rose. She gets what she wants.

Next week, we see who Ashley picks. But, before that, we have the "tell all" episode. I can't wait! What are you expecting from this season's "tell all" show?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Bridezillas - Danyelle and Gloria

There are very few "bridezillas" that are featured on this show for only one week or for three weeks. Lucky for us, this week features both. Danyelle has the distinction of having her entire wedding recapped in one show, while we are forced to watch one more week of the "Bro Ho" Tricia next week. At least we only have 30-minute increments of Tricia, while her poor groom-to-be is sentenced to a lifetime.

Danyelle, 28, is marrying the strait-laced military man, Will, also 28. They live in Illinois, and actually went to high school together. He felt it was love "at second sight" because he didn't like her when she was "too skinny." Although she's still thin, I guess an extra 10 pounds put him over the edge. Will says of Danyelle, "I love her, but I don't like her." He describes being under pressure to propose marriage, while she demands that he "say you weren't under pressure." He calls her bossy, demanding and deadly. Will says all this with a straight face. Never cracks a smile. I respect him; he knows what he has signed up for.

Danyelle makes her bridesmaids weigh in (while literally batting the fat out of them with an actual bat on actual parts of their bodies she finds "a little much" and those are my words, and they are much kinder than hers).

She wants a million dollar wedding on a thousand dollar budget, so Danyelle has enlisted the help of her mom's friend, Linda, to do a lot of things for free ... the invitations, the veil, the bouquets, and the list goes on and on. Danyelle does not appreciate Linda's generosity and you get nowhere with logic on this one ... Danyelle doesn't understand the word "free" or "grateful" or "thankful" and keeps insisting Linda should appreciate her business. She doesn't like the free bouquets, as they are not want she wants. And, then there's a throwdown between mom and Linda when it's discovered that Linda burnt a hole in the veil. I think she did it on purpose. I would have stuck the thing down the garbage disposal.

On the day before the wedding at the nail salon, Danyelle can't relax because Will didn't pick up his tux so she's threatening to cancel the wedding (by the way, as a bridezilla, you have to do this at least once). Also, mom keeps telling her she will have to pay her back for the wedding if she doesn't go through with it. Everyone is messing up her "aura" and then Danyelle tells her mom that that she should reimburse HER for all the joy and happiness she has brought to her mom's life. My favorite line of the night.

All's well that ends well, and Danyelle and Will's rainy wedding night seems to have Danyelle in a good mood as she looks forward to a lifetime of happiness. Will, ever the realist, points out that they will probably have fights. I love this guy.

Then, there's the Bro Ho Tricia. She was on last week, this week and we get her again next week. Yuck. Anyway, first up ... Tricia "invites" her bridesmaids to help her make centerpieces for the wedding but only the glutton-for-punishment Ashley and her baby girl show up to help. For giving up her day, Ashley is tackled, pushed and cussed out for numerous minor infringements (ie. the baby stomps on a feather and eats another one or something like that). Then, she locks Tricia outside for maybe two seconds. At that point, Tricia actually chases Ashley down. I found myself yelling, "Run Ashley Run" at the TV. What is wrong with me? More importantly, what is wrong with Ashley? She needs a new best friend. Tricia makes the baby cry when she sees her mommy tackled, and she continues to use foul language in front of the baby. Again, what is wrong with Ashley? We all know Tricia is a loon.

Tricia needs money. She has stuff to buy for the wedding. She needs food. She needs to get her nails done And, most importantly, she wants a new dress for her bachelorette party. She tends to dress "inappropriately" ... again, my words. So Jesse, the future groom, wants her to tone it down. Prior to her dress shopping trip, she takes out $300 from his checking account, and it puts him over the edge. Their rent check then bounces. Tricia doesn't care. She has super short and tight dresses to try on, and she does. They are all two sizes too short, too tight and too small. She doesn't buy anything. Thank goodness.

For her bachelorette party, Tricia and three or four or whatever of her friends go to a club where they dance with and grope each other all night. Jesse follows them, and he's none too happy because they were not supposed to go to a club. According to Tricia, he's "off the charts" pissed.

We'll see what happens next week.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 (Hometown Dates)

Before the hometown date part of the show began, Ashley is talking about how she feels about each of the four guys that remain standing. She talks about Constantine being "the whole package" and loves his hair. She talks about Ben F.'s build and again with the hair. She talks about Ames' spontaneity and his humbleness. And, then there is J.P. She talks about being connected with him both emotionally and physically ... you see where this is going.

Now, before I talk about the hometown dates ... I want to point out that all of the guys keep saying things to Ashley about "you are only the second girl or fourth girl or whatever number I've ever brought home to meet my parents or sister or brother or brother's girlfriend or whoever." I want to make it clear that Ashley is the driving force. She chose to go to their hometowns. They didn't pick her to come meet mom. There is a difference.

And one more thing, all four of these guys are really great guys with amazing and loving families. That's a fact. I like them so much more than I like Ashley. Ugh, I wish I liked her more.

Constantine (Cumming, GA)
During a few of the previous episodes, I felt like Constantine was noncommittal when it came to his feelings for Ashley. He even expressed doubt about her coming to Georgia to meet the folks. In this episode, he seems to have a change of attitude, and talks about the possibility of love. He takes Ashley to his family's restaurant, Giorgio's, where Ashley points out that Constantine looks like "such a stud" as he walks around the place. Constantine doesn't have to talk or flex or even smile to get Ashley going. As they hang out at the restaurant, there is a gaggle of giggly waitresses ogling them as they kiss in a "private moment."

Off to meet the family ... there's Dimitri the dad, Elleni the mom, and Maria the very beautiful sister. Mom knows the "dating" world they have been leading is not the real world and expresses her concerns to Ashley. She wonders if Ashley would move to Georgia and be a part of their lifestyle. Ashley acts like she might just do that. Dad's advice to Constantine is "don't be rushed ... it takes time." That's some good advice. After dinner and advice from the inner circle, here comes the whole Big Fat Greek Wedding gang. I was waiting for Dimitri to break out the Windex and announce, "the name Ashley comes from the Greek word ..."

Ames (Chadds Ford, PA)
Poor sweet Ames. He runs awkwardly to meet Ashley as she arrives and, from that moment, the usually dapper Ames, keeps giving us glimpses of his boxers all night. We meet sister Serena, mom Jane and brother Jim. Ames tells his family he's been competing for the "ultimate prize." We find out that Ames lost both his father and stepfather to cancer, and he was close to both. After Ashley has time alone with sis and mom, it's pretty clear that she's feeling less attached to Ames than the other three. The writing is on the wall. Even the sister says she thinks Ashley is missing that "passion or spark" for her brother. She tells Ames to basically step it up a notch in the romance department so Ames promises to do the best he can because he admits he has "that falling in love feeling." So, he takes her to his favorite tree for a picnic and lets loose with some great quotes to woo her. He pulls out all the stops and loads her up with the "you are so awesome" lines. None of this helps him in the long run.

Ames tells Ashley that "the best is when the ordinary is extraordinary" and tells her about some romantic notion (don't make me look it up) that it's important to be romantic in your daily life. Hey, I loved all this stuff, but Ashley looked bored to death. I did a rewind and her face said it all. He gave her a kiss, and she pulled away first but he said later it was a "beautiful moment." He then took her for storybook ride in a horse drawn carriage, but the ending doesn't look good for Ames.

Ben F. (Sonoma, CA)
He greets her with a personal "Ash" and "Ash" notes that everything about him screams "sexiness." I don't think it's love she's feeling for Ben. They share a rain-soaked picnic after a walk around the vineyards and a little wine. Ben SAID he was happy and excited to see Ashley, but he didn't SOUND like he was happy and excited. This guy is cautious, as are they all. NOBODY wants to say outright they love this girl especially when there's only one winner.

Ben tells Ashley that his mom, Barbara, and his sister, Julia (another beautiful girl), are his whole world, and nothing is more important to him than them. "They are all I have," says Ben. He admits that his family has to like her or it won't work for him.

Julia, who signed Ben up for this ride, is skeptical. However, Ben says he's "into it." He claims he would have no problem proposing (and Ashley has made it clear she wants a husband out of this) if the relationship progresses. Ben tells his mom that "watching you and dad ... wanting to model" the relationship is his goal with his own marriage. What a sweetheart. Ben gets emotional talking about the loss of his father and what he meant to him. OK, Ben is officially my favorite. I wish my daughter was older or he was younger. He's a great guy, and I also like wine. So that doesn't  hurt. I think Ben likes Ashley, but he has a lot going on.

J.P. (Roslyn, NY)
"I do not care what we do as long as we're together," Ashley says of her date with J.P. He takes her roller skating. These two have chemistry, and Ashley can't keep her hands to herself ... so if you believe the spoilers ... Anyway, there's a disco ball in the rink and they skate arm-in-arm to somebody else's version of the REO Speedwagon song "I Can't Fight This Feeling." Really, really corny. Then, they drink wine from paper cups. I liked the way Ben served it better. At the rink, Insecure Ashley is out in full force for J.P. to soothe. "Are you sure about us?" J.P. actually says, "I don't want to be without you." I gotta admit ... those are words a girl likes to hear.

Then, off to meet the family. FINALLY, a normal looking home (by normal, I mean middle class). J.P. seemingly has had a quiet, normal life. We meet mom Ilene (precious), dad Peter (where'd he go?), brother Roy and his girlfriend Andrea. Mom is straight up and doesn't want J.P to get his heart broken. She asks J.P, "Are you in love with her?" and J.P says, "All the signs are there." J.P. admits he's having trouble saying the "love" thing out loud yet, but he believes what he and Ashley have is special. I believe it, too. Mom is a little worried that it's too early for a proposal.

All along, J.P. has been the most open about his feelings for Ashley. He knows that he's putting it all on the line. Mom actually sees a spark for J.P. from Ashley, and Ashley says she is "smitten."

And then the hometown dates are over.

Back at the mansion, Ben has a weird new haircut, J.P. looks confident, Constantine looks blank, and Ames looks scared ... and then shocked when he is sent packing. He tells Ashley that he's been "lucky to have you in my life. It's been totally beautiful and unexpected. Even more poetic than I would have ever imagined. I will remember every second for the rest of my life."

Ashley didn't say much, and didn't give him any reason. Pretty cold. Ames told the "camera" in the limo as he left that he's worried about a "lifetime of adventures with myself." Let me promise you, Ames, that's not going to happen. There are a million women out there now wanting to get to know you. You can't help but love this guy.

Next week, Fiji.

Bridezillas - Gloria and Tricia

For those who don't know, Bridezillas works like this: two brides are featured each week. We see the "end" of one bride's story, the wedding, and the beginning of another's ... how they met and fell in love and the week before the wedding. Then the next show, we see the wedding of the bride we were just getting to know the week before. Make sense?

Now, I know it is not possible to get to know someone in 30 minutes or so especially with someone editing the video and trying to make you look like the bridezilla they want you to be. But, really, these girls make it easy on the producers. You can't make this stuff up.

So, back to Gloria. Gloria "demands" attention, and if she doesn't get it, she resorts to crying and whining and screaming. I've made up a a new term for her ... "crining" ... it's a combination of crying and whining at the same time, and nobody does it better.

In the last episode, we saw the shopping trip for a dress with Gloria's mom, and this time they are off to buy shoes. Mom, wearing her fringe-covered ensemble, complains about shoe after shoe after shoe as she does the "hustle" in front of the mirror while trying on each pair. They can't agree on what to buy. So, it's the battle of wills with the style-challenged mom vs. the emotionally-challenged bride. There are no winners here. I'm sure even the shoe store didn't think the drama was worth the $$.

The next shopping trip for Gloria is back to the "veil store" because, although she admittedly walked out of the store with her veil intact, somebody somehow somewhere from this store tore the stitching and beading on her veil. It's not possible that she did it. No way ... even though she's the only that's touched the darn thing. To shut her up, they let her make an exchange.

On the big day, Gloria goes from "crining" because nobody is helping her enough to complete impatience at the nail salon because she's not getting pampered fast enough. Gloria's complaining that the workers are too slow, mom is complaining because the lotion is too itchy ... I'm complaining because there is too much moaning from mom during the massage. Ick.

Finally, at the wedding, Gloria is upset in the limo, upset with the best man because he is late, "crining" with pre-wedding jitters, but it all goes down and Gloria is a married man.

Now, talk about an "ick" factor. Gloria's mother is shown telling the producers that she has a long-time crush on her first cousin that is at the wedding, and then, later, they are shown dancing and more (blurred out, thank you). Beyond disgusting. Really disturbing. And, I want to remind everyone, these people do not live in my beloved home state of Arkansas, but in New York. So there.

Tricia, Tricia, Tricia. She's so young ... only 19 ... and someday she's going to really, really regret some choices she has made today ... as in her clothing (super-tight leggings with a muffin-top sweater), her two-toned hair color, her use of profanity and the theme of her wedding ...

Tricia, the self-proclaimed "Bro Ho" is marrying Jesse, 21, a "Bro." They live in Oakland, California. According to Tricia, a "Bro" is someone who rides dirt bikes, wears designer clothing and has money. That's kinda of what I got from the explanation. How a 21-year-old has money, I don't know. It's all her perception. A "Bro Ho" is someone who dates a "Bro." That would be Tricia. Because they are so entwined in the "Bro Ho" lifestyle, they've chosen THAT as the theme of their wedding ... dirt bikes, lots of drinking ... you know, pretty traditional. Again, she's 19 and how she drinks all the time is a mystery. Are the laws different in California?

When Tricia gets upset, she behaves as any normal person would ... she screams, yells and sits on you. The first time we get a taste of her rage is when Jesse brings home the wrong cake topper. He didn't notice the skin color didn't match Tricia's milky white tone. So, Tricia laughed it off and they took it back. I wish. To show him how stupid and immature he is, she breaks it in two and then throws it in the driveway and proceeds to run over it with their SUV ... a couple of times for good measure.

Tricia loves to complain. Here are some of the things that bother her ... Jesse's long toenails (you don't want to know), daylight, people looking at her (even though she knows it's because she's so hot), the rings Jesse bought, and just when other people talk in general.

But, the No. 1 thing that bothers Tricia, is when Jesse won't drive 30 minutes out of his way to get her a damn taco at her favorite fast food taco place. Then, he also won't give her the debit card to get the stupid taco. She cries and whines, and eventually gets her way. Jesse, trying to be somewhat responsible, was trying to explain to her the cost of gas, etc., but Tricia was having none of it. Like any teenager, she doesn't understand the value of money. Good luck Jesse with this one.

More next week.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 (Goodbye Ryan P.)

I was unable to watch The Bachelorette this week, but thankfully, my friend at work, Matthew, was on the spot. He writes weekly updates and doesn't mind if I use his words on my blog. He's a great writer, and he's happy to fill in for me. I also appreciate it. I have to say that we are still playing The Bachelorette AKA Almost Like March Madness game that he created, and I'm in second place. I had Ryan P. winning Ashley's hand, but nobody's feeling poor Ryan anymore.

Anyway, here's Matthew's take on this week's show:

This week's show began with Ashley dropping knowledge about the group's next destination: Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia, because not a lot of people know about it. A producer immediately leaned in and explained that, actually a lot of people know about Taiwan considering Taiwanese companies manufacture a large portion of the world¹s consumer electronics. Ashley then bit her lip and looked angrily at the camera as the producer pointed and laughed. (I'm making this up of course. I had to. Last night¹s show was THAT boring.) Ashley next rattled on about the various things she liked about the six remaining bachelors. I'm sure she was very flattering, but I was busy playing Hanging With Friends on my phone, so I missed most of her bachelor recaps. Of The Gentleman, she said, "Ames is one of the most unique guys I've ever met." Indeed.

The episode's first date was with Constantine. Until last night,Constantine had been an enigma to me. He had no identifiable spark with or distinguishable interest in Ashley that I could see. I could not, for the life of me, figure out why Ashley had kept him around. Cecilia explained I had been looking at it backwards. Because Constantine would rather be kickin' it with the boys and watching Ames do Ames things, this makes him a rare challenge compared to the rest of the guys. She wants to him to care, so she works a little harder on him to try to get him to care. That seems stupid to me, but what do I know? (The answer: not much.) During the date Ashley made Constantine paint a "love balloon" that they would release into the sky later that night. Disgusted, Constantine looked at the balloon the same way a 4-year-old might gaze at a heaping plate of bean sprouts. Realizing he had no choice but to paint, he got to work. Later, during dinner, Ashley told Constantine he was exactly the kind of guy she is attracted to. Horrified, Constantine quickly changed the subject and starting talking about his family. The night ended with Ashley and Constantine launching their love balloon into the air. As Constantine genuinely admired the scenery, Ashley grabbed his face and forced him into one of her patentedly-awkward kisses.

Next, Ashley had a one-on-one date with Ben. It was basically a replay of all of their previous interactions. I like you, you like me, if we were married life would look like this, blah, blah, blah. Ben did confess that the was in love with Ashley, but he¹s not ready to tell her yet. Give him a couple more hours. 

Before the group date with Lucas, Ames and JP, the guys were sitting around in their hotel suite when Ben be-bopped into the room with a mile-wide smile like he'd spent the night in Ashley's bed. Ames asked the obvious question, Ben denied staying in the same room overnight with Ashley and immediately Ben's I-know-something-you-don¹t-know attitude vanished. Nevertheless, JP stormed out of the room in a quasi-jealous rage and hunted desperately for a door to slam. He was unsuccessful. The group date was another weird choice. Each guy was given a wedding tuxedo to wear and a corresponding photo shoot to do with Ashley. Not surprisingly, Ames MURDERED his photo shoot, while Lucas and JP simply went through the motions. Later at the cocktail party, in a move I totally would've disapproved of had it not been The Gentleman who made it, Ames showed Ashley old pictures of himself and his family, including a tremendous grade-school photo that powerfully communicated why The Gentleman now has veneers. Ames' gamble failed, and JP, through his constant pouting and bickering, won the group date¹s rose.

The final date of the episode was a one-on-one with Ryan, who to that point was probably the group's frontrunner with JP. From the start, though, we could sense Ashley's wheels spinning. She seemed indifferent. Things continued to snowball until she abruptly stopped the date and confessed he would not be receiving a rose at the ceremony. Stunned, Ryan walked away ... and promptly shifted into 2012-Bachelor-Tryout Mode. He shed crocodile tears, yelled obscenities, asked why, placed his head between his legs and acted like he might throw-up and concluded his tryout by doing the obligatory, "I don't want to be alone!! When is it going to be my turn?!?!?!" routine. It was pretty blatant. If ABC buys this and chooses him over Bentley to be our next Bachelor, I'm writing somebody an angry letter. 

The episode ended with Constantine, Ben and Ames joining JP as rose winners. As Ashley escorted Lucas to his limo, JP turned to Ames and excitedly proclaimed, "I was not expecting THAT." Dignified as ever, the Gentleman simply shot JP a look as if to remind him, "I have degrees from Harvard, Yale and Cambridge. You think those don't mean something, chump? And, have you SEEN the fashion risks I take each week?! I'm wearing vermillion-colored pants tonight for goodness sakes!!"

In the show's last 15 minutes or so, there was an uncomfortable interview with Emily. I'm still trying to sort out my thoughts on it. She SEEMED legitimately heartbroken and tired of all the publicity she's been getting,yet, if this was really true, why do an interview on national broadcast television to further promote your fame? I'm dubious she did it for the right reasons.

Bridezillas - Porsha and Gloria

Porsha is the worst. She is vulgar and loud and annoying. And those are her good qualities. Let's finish this with her, shall we?

She demands allegiance of her man, of her bridesmaids, of her mom ... all with the back of her hand. You think you can do what you want? Not on her time. She even created her own holiday ... Porsha Day. So on her day, she forces, and I mean forces, her ample hindquarters into the nail salon's chair where she then gets her "funky feet" (the manicurist's words, not mine) filed and polished as she downs a burger and an extra, extra large order of fries. The manicurist can't take her eyes off of Porsha, "I've never seen anyone eat like that."

While getting her feet cured, Porsha hears the shocking news. Her man, Byron, is planning a bachelor party with some skanky stripper! A stripper would be a step up. Especially after what happens next. Porsha attends her own bachelorette party at someone's house with a "VIP" room (AKA attic) and a scary male dancer. The entire scene is so bad (practically pornographic) that WeTV had to blur most of it out, and Porsha was not shying away from this man. Awful. Just awful. She should be ashamed of herself. I can't imagine what her fiance thought when they watched this together. She was worried about him?

On the day before the wedding, Byron's mom doesn't seem to know about the rehearsal dinner so Byron takes a beating from his bride-to-be. A righteous beating. Also, Porsha doesn't want Byron's baby's mother to drop his daughter off at the wedding. Porsha is sure the ex wants to sabotage the wedding. Doubtful. If Byron wants Porsha, I'm sure the ex wants him to have her.

Porsha is something else. She tells the camera that she wears the pants in the family; describes herself as a black Barbie; and just cusses up a storm about anything and everything. I literally had to mute the TV. I couldn't take it. If she is REALLY like this, and she's not just putting on a show ... poor Byron.

And then there is Gloria. Poor poor pitiful Gloria. And her wicked witch of the North mother whose name I never caught or they never said or I just ignored. Gloria is 28 and her groom-to-be, Eric, is 32. They live in New York. Gloria is a scared, anxious and nervous little bride. She cries and whines and cries some more. However, she's nothing compared to her over-the-top mama. I wasn't sure if the show was about her or her mother. Although Gloria is entertaining as a nervous, crying wreck; her mother steals the show as an over-reacting, makeup-hating, long-haired hippie throwback.

Gloria wants her mom to put her hair up and wear a little lipstick for the wedding. After all, how many times will she get married? It's only her second time. Awesome. Neither of them can cope with a pre-wedding make-up and hair trial. It's too much! How much pressure can two women take!

When mom tries on dress after sexy dress for the wedding (wedding? really?), she and Gloria demand a discount on a dress they settle on because it has a non-existent stain. And, the worse was yet to come. Later, when Gloria's actual wedding dress is delivered, there is actual dirt on the dress or in the bag, or so they see. Both Gloria and her mom completely break down. Gloria literally crawls from the room. Her mom calls the poor seamstress (after first having a crying hissy fit), and then proceeds to make racially insensitive remarks to the woman and to the camera about the woman. Is she really that clueless? Did she know people would see her and hear her and now hate her?

So, more on Gloria and whoever next week. Do you think these people are for real, or just putting on for the camera?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Bridezillas - Kym and Porsha

I missed last week's episode of Bridezillas, but so be it. If it was anything like this week's episode, I don't care. This may be my last season of blogging about this show. I am a little disgusted by it. It's just that it's always the same (the yelling, the cussing, the ridiculous brides), and just getting more vulgar. And, there are no winners here ... only losers.

This week, Kym and Porsha.

Porsha is "large and in charge," according to the show's promos, and this 28-year-old is about to engage in wedded bliss to Byron, 36. They live in Mississippi. Poor Mississippi. Everything bad happens to that state. It was "hotel at first sight," according to Porsha. Ahhhh ... romance! Porsha is a foul-mouthed bully who sucks her thumb when she is tired or cranky. She thinks her bridesmaids should be "thankful" to be in her wedding, and will beat them into submission if they disagree. But, please, please your silly Bridezillas, it's so last year to say people should be thankful to be in your wedding. Think of something else.

Porsha has a soft spot for her mom and her sister. You can tell because she left them stranded by the side of the road ... twice. One time was after her mom paid for something she didn't want to ... AND she did it just to shut Porsha up and keep her from, literally, yanking her purse from her hands.

At one point, Porsha decides to do an inspection of her bridesmaids because she doesn't want "hairy beasts" or any girdle-less women at her show. She actually breaks out a razor. Gross. Really.

Then, there was the buffet. Apparently, Porsha can eat all she wants when the group goes out to eat, but that all-you-can-eat rule does not extend to her bridesmaids. She tries to make them exercise the next day after indulging at the buffet, so says Porsha. I would literally be running up hills to get away from this girl.

More on Porsha next week.

Kym "the more I look like a hooker the better" is a 30-year-old who, along and her husband-to-be, High, 31, live in Windermere, Florida. Kym, like Porsha, is another foul-mouthed bride. Lovely girl. Really.

Kym and her friends, including mom and aunt, head to the "bridal shower" which is really a bachelorette party turned drunkfest at a local piano bar, which they have somehow managed to turn into a raunchy nightclub. Kym wants to get so hammered that she doesn't remember her own name. After the the next events (including her declaration that she wants to make out with someone and an uncalled for display of her undies), her name might be mud with her fiance. She gets agitated with her mother because her mother is disgusted by ALL the unladylike language and drinking AND by the fact that the girls are taking shots from each others "chest area." Those are my words. Not theirs. Really. Gross again. I'm too old for this. However, the drunk aunt joins in the fun and takes a shot from Kym's chest area. I could barely watch. It was just kinda sick. Yuck. Mom just couldn't take it anymore and left the party. Good for her.

At the wedding, there was the "case of the missing deodorant" that almost put our bride over the edge, then the late limo, then the missing candle, and on and on. You'll be happy to know that both the deodorant and candle were found!

Finally, the wedding takes place. High, the lucky groom, is wearing some sort of 1920s gangster meets a cowboy meets a groom outfit. I didn't get it. Good luck to those two.

More next week.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 (Ashley and Bentley)

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this. It's been a week.

In the last episode, we see Ashley saying goodbye to a few more guys and now deciding she wants to spend the rest of the time with the remaining guys being "honest" WITH them and wants honesty FROM them. In her mind, honesty from them means complete devotion and love directed at her and honesty from her means sneaking off and telling Chris Harrison that she needs closure with Bentley. It's so hard for both me and Ashley to get over Bentley and move on. I want to move on. She won't let me.

So, finally, Bentley is back. Ashley can't want to turn the "dot dot dot ...." or "to be continued" into an exclamation point with Bentley. After finally confronting him and he gives her a few limp hugs and lame kisses and almost refuses to actually hurt her to her face (he's a big talker to the camera), she comes to the realization that he just wanted a vacation to Hong Kong and this is the "period" at the end of their relationship. He finally actually admits it. Ashley storms out and feels used (after all, she knew this guy for a week before he left), and she can't believe she wasted so much time thinking about this guy when there were so many great guys who actually like her! Who predicted this in a previous blog? Who was that? So, finally, we have no more "dot dot dot" and now she actually has "brackets" where she can fill in with a new lucky guy who will subjected to a lifetime of her insecurities.

She gives the first solo date to Lucas, the Texan, who just wants a kiss and a dance and he gets both on a boat. Ashley rewards him with the first rose in Hong Kong.

Then the dreaded group date, and Ashley continues her nautical theme with a "Dragon Boat" race with partners Constantine and Ben F., Ryan P. and Blake, and Mickey and Ames. The guys had to recruit locals to help them with the race. Ryan P. (his friendliness that the guys hate so much pays off here) is able to recruit people easily as is Mickey while Ben F. and Constantine struggle. Winners: Mickey and Ames ... no thanks to Ames I might add. He rows a boat about like I would and I'm a 40-something year-old woman. Not pretty. After the race, Ashley gushes about how much she is enjoying getting to know these guys. WHAT? She sent them off on their own. She put them in a boat. She didn't talk to any of them. Ashley, this is NOT how you get to know someone. During the evening, she gets to give out one more rose and it goes to Ryan P. I'm glad. I like him. He's too much for the other guys. I mean ... he's so friendly and positive and upbeat and MAN, don't you hate that?

The final solo date goes to J.P. ... the first of the bunch to get a second date. He knows he's the favorite at this point. Ashley makes it obvious. The guys are feeling it, too. She's VERY affectionate on their date. She feels so close to him that she tells him about Bentley's visit. He takes it very well, and tells her he appreciates her "honesty." Score one for Ashley. I just want to point out one weird thing. The first thing she asks him as they begin the date is, "What's going on with you?" Really. "Well, Ashley, I've been following you around the world trying to get a freakin' date." J.P. ... You should have said that instead of feeding her ego platitudes about love and "meant to be" and crap.

Then, the cocktail party. The guys are all sitting around looking like they would rather be at their late night poker game than waiting on the dark cloud that is Ashley to arrive. And, she does bring the rain. Feeling confident after J.P.'s reaction to Bentley's visit, she tells the rest of the guys. They react as most men might ... betrayed. They've been following her all over the world (and even been in the hospital as Ames points out), listening to her rants about honesty, and then THIS. Constantine, Mickey, Blake and Lucas don't like it. Ames takes it fairly well as "fairy tales don't always turn out as planned" or something like that. Ryan P. and J.P. are supportive. Mickey, who obviously isn't interested in this girl anyway does the honorable thing, and walks away. Gotta respect that. Hell, I thought before this night was over that J.P was going to be standing there with half a dozen roses in his hand.

At the end, Blake doesn't get a rose. I doubt he really cares. Blake, you can do better.

BTW, someone pointed out to me that Ashley walks funny, and maybe it's because she's doesn't usually wear high heels. That actually might make me like her better. I need something. Anything. I'm having a very hard time finding things to like about this girl. I can't find anyone who watches this show who likes her either. I really don't think the guys actually on the show really like her, and the promos don't bode well for her. We'll see.