Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Bachelorette (Ashley) — Episode 5

During this episode Ashley continues her longing for Bentley (and ABC even replayed that stupid scene AS THE SHOW OPENED where she crawls in bed and cries as Bentley can’t get away fast enough), while later she coldly sent both Ben C. and William home after the two-on-one date where only one guy was supposed to leave. William showed his tattletale colors by telling Ashley that Ben C. supposedly wants to try online dating. Ben C. is probably desperate to try anything after a few weeks with Ashley as his only choice. Ben C. didn’t seem to really care, except that William was telling on him. And, I used to like William but now … I was ready for him to leave also. He’s made it very obvious that he is there for one reason (not that I blame him, but I'm bored with it) … to jumpstart his comedy career. Nick was the third to hit the road after the rose ceremony. He ACTED like he kinda, maybe cared but not really. Ben F. (from the one –on-one date) and Blake (from the group date) got early roses to guarantee a trip to next week.

I honestly believe most of the guys don’t even care whether they stay or go. They are simply having fun hanging out with each other and having the trip of a lifetime (and getting their 15 minutes of fame), and Ashley is simply a distraction. Constantine openly admits he feels closer to the guys than her (guaranteeing himself a rose because Ashley likes men that don’t like her), and tells the rest of the guys that he’s not sure he would want to introduce her to his family and that he doesn’t feel that strongly for her.

But, who would? She’s high maintenance … and boring! She’s always “in a funk” and “not herself” and “thinking about Bentley.” I can’t believe any of these guys are really falling for her.

Thanks ABC for making your entire viewing audience think that Bentley was making an appearance in last night’s episode (gotta watch for keywords like “coming up” rather than “next week”) because Bentley did not appear. Looks like it will be NEXT WEEK before we see Bentley, and it also looks like the other guys don’t take it so well. Again, I would say next week she sends Bentley on his way after he admits the “truth” and she comes to a dramatic realization that her real love is one of the remaining eight guys (not really sure which one), and she cries about how much time she’s wasted pining for Bentley, what has she done to the other guys and blah blah. We’ll see.

Back to the show. Ashley must have a violent and angry soul. On one group date, she had the guys beat up on her (the roast), and last night she had the guys beat up on each other in this hard-to-watch bachelorette fight club. None of the guys were good boxers or kickers or whatever (Muay-Thai boxing … never heard of it), but some were just tougher than the others. Surprisingly, the tougher guys were J.P., Constantine, Blake and even Ryan P. who took it to Ames. Now the fact that Ames is not a fighter is not surprising. He admittedly has never been in a fight in his life as there always is “another way.” He wouldn’t even fight to get in the front of the line to avoid those stupid pink shorts. Anyway, Ryan P. knocked him silly and sent him on an ambulance ride to the local hospital. The guys were genuinely worried about him. He showed up later looking good, if a little tongue-tied, with a diagnosis of “in love” with “a concussion” … one and the same.

Let me say it again. This show is not about finding love, and there’s no way these guys are getting to know this girl. It is a chance for beautiful people to visit exotic locations, show off their abs and get as much airtime as possible … and maybe, just maybe be the next bachelor ... for more trips to exotic places, etc.

I think J.P and Ben F. might actually like Ashley although I’m a little surprised. I would be really surprised if the other guys had any real feelings for her.

Bridezillas —Krystal and Gabrielle

We’re back to Krystal and her beer-drinking bunch. First up, Mom. Krystal’s mom is upset because Krystal has invited her father to the wedding. Now, that makes sense. After all, they have been divorced for 16 years or more so there is obviously a lot of pent-up hostility there.

Mom and Dad “accidently” run into each other and Krystal’s house when dad stops by to drop off a suitcase and mom drops by apparently for no reason. Out of the blue, mom announces to dad (who does not care with the rest of us) that she has a boyfriend and that he, yes HE, needs to move on. After all that, dad asks Krystal sarcastically if he can bring his girlfriend to the wedding. That would be a no. Mom says it’s because there are “No skanks allowed.” Hmmm. Mom keeps going on and on and on finally crosses the line with Krystal when she calls dad a “pervert” and even worse. Mom gets kicked out. Thank goodness. She threatens to stay away from the wedding. No one cares.

Other highlights prior to the wedding:
• Krystal searches online for vows. She obviously wants them to be very heartfelt.
• She decides to get a tattoo to prove her love on her forearm with their favorite song lyrics … “Forever your fighting partner.” You’d think he wouldn’t like it. He loved it so much it made him cry.

Finally, they are heading to the wedding … in a TROLLEY no less. The groomsmen get kicked off the trolley for vulgar language, smoking and who knows what. Krystal talks nice for two seconds to the trolley driver and everybody is back on … and then she out-cusses them all. Nice.

Then, the wedding. Everybody’s doing shots. Getting drunk. Oh boy. At the end of the night in the final interview, Krystal’s new hubby shows his ass to the camera. Literally.

And then Gabrielle.  I missed the first few minutes of the show so I didn’t catch her husband-to-be’s name. Gabby is bossy and likes to incite fights between her friends. She treats her bridesmaids as errand girls. She lies to her wedding planner.

For example, her fiancĂ© made it clear they could not afford a rehearsal dinner, but because Gabby wanted one, and she hoped money would fall out of the sky, she didn’t tell the wedding planner who ordered the food. Then, at the last minute, Gabby has to cancel the dinner and acts like she never really said she was having the rehearsal dinner in the first place. Not. Really. True.

More next week.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Bachelorette — Episode 4 (June 13, 2011) Update

The guy in my office that created our awesome Bachelor/Bachelorette game (I don't think he'll mind if I reveal that his name is Matthew) sent out an update today on our Bachelorette pool that puts me in second place WAY behind our leader who may have a lock on winning this "Bachelorette Madness" game. And besides updating us on the standings, I think he made some fun and clever comments on our bachelors that are still standing. Like me, he's loving Ames. I actually didn't realize Ames was so smart. I'm thinking he's a darkhorse to win this thing. And I say "win." This is a game. I want to keep reminding people of that.

I also want to point out that Ashley keeps saying she is looking for a guy who's in it "for the right reasons" with those reasons being that they think she's really, really pretty and want to fall in love with her. She's 12. And, when she comes and talks to you ... you silly bachelors ... you better tell her how pretty she looks. (Goodness, this girl seems really insecure.)

Anyway, back to Matthew ... below is a portion of the e-mail he sent out to the group ...

Ames! When he finally got his chance to shine he delivered. In a big way. As the date began, he revealed he was a world traveler who had been to Thailand “several times” before.  Then he unleashed a series of brilliant quotes delivered in the following order (yes, I admit I paused the show in order to transcribe them...you’re welcome):

  • “Last minute is the best minute.”
  • “Love is always unchartered territory ... and so it is with Ashley.”
  • “Navigating these beautiful caves is exactly like navigating a relationship. Around every corner, you really don’t know what to expect, but often there’s something beautiful.”
  • “I’ve been to 70 countries, and this may be the most dramatic thing I’ve ever seen.”
  • “She looks beautiful in all circumstances. Rain or shine. Day or night. At sea or on land.”
  • “Because when you know, you know. You can act quickly. But I don’t know. Some things are beyond our control.”
  • “Indeed.”
  • “Ashley and I did not kiss tonight. But we did something much more intimate than kiss. We talked about very serious things.”
Obviously, we need more Ames in all our lives. We’ll all be crushed when he finally gets sent home. It's true and you know it.

I loved Matthew's take on this guy, and wanted to share. I can't wait to hear more from Ames, and I'm beginning to not really care that he has no fashion sense, that he has veneers, and that he has a big forehead. The only thing I don't like about him — or any of the other guys — is that they might actually like Ashley. THAT makes me wonder about their judgment.

In the future, I will be sharing more of Matthew's insights on The Bachelorette  ... along with my own of course. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Bachelorette - June 13, 2011

If I was playing a drinking game and I had to take a shot every time the name Bentley was mentioned during this episode of The Bachelorette, I would be FLAT OUT on the floor.

Poor Constantine, and then the other guys on the group date, and then Ames ALL had to contend with Ashley's nonstop longing for a guy (that would be Bentley) she had just met, really didn't know at all and who didn't find her attractive. We had to hear over and over and over again what a bad week she had last week (her true love Bentley went home and William made fun of her at a ROAST). OK, enough already.

I was about to judge Bentley for leaving just a little too soon and miss the rain-filled trip to Thailand, but it looks like he's baaaack next week to torment Ashley some more. By the looks of the promos, he was smart enough to come back for a free vacation. Gotta give him credit for that. If I were guessing, I would say Ashley will say she is "over" him next week after confronting him one last time. We'll see.

Back to the guys tonight. I'm not sure what she sees in Constantine, but he bores me silly. I am starting to really, really like Ames (despite his choice in clothing) ... he does seem funny and genuine and he's great at getting Ashley to talk ... and he and Ashley have had the most "real" conversation on their one-on-one date. I didn't pick him for her, but he may be my favorite right now.

For the group date, the guys (and Ashley was there) painted and moved furniture and gave out toys to kids at an orphanage. It was an amazing gesture, and the guys seemed to really enjoy "giving back." However, these guys were acting like Ashley really planned this outing and then actually wrote the check. I think maybe the producers thought this event up? Maybe the show paid for the paint and the new soccer nets? I'm not positive, but I'm thinking I'm right here.

The guys were picking on Ryan P. because he's "too full of energy" and he shows leadership and he's always happy and Ashley seems to like him. Whatever. They are jealous, and he's still my choice for her. I like him. Who doesn't like to be around a positive person?

So, Ben F. got a kiss and rose from the group date. Constantine and Ames got roses from their one-on-one dates (but Ames didn't even get a kiss). Then, J.P got a kiss or two at the party (he's the best kisser says Ashley and she should know as she is trying to lock lips with all of them), and West ended up going home. No surprises except that only one guy went home at the end of the show.

We'll see what happens next week. Not sure where I stand after tonight with the "game," but I will see tomorrow.

The Bachelorette — Ashley

There’s a guy in my office who is a great husband who had done something really sweet for his wife (and probably himself as well) and turned watching “The Bachelorette” into a March Madness sort of game. The rules are below (and he wrote these so I can’t take credit):

How it will work:
  • Watch the season premier Monday, May 23, right up until the rose ceremony
  • Before the rose ceremony, pause the show and then rank each contestant from 25 (the dude you think has the best chance of winning) to 1 (the man you’re sure will not guard and protect Ashley’s heart)
  • You can only use each number once (e.g., Ames = 25, Anthony = 24, Ben C. = 23, etc.)
  • Just like an NCAA tournament pool, you’ll accumulate points each week based on who advances, and how many points you assigned to them at the beginning
  • E-mail me your completed grid on Tuesday, May 24
  • I’ll keep a master grid with everyone’s picks and release standings updates each week on Tuesday morning

Now, the obvious flaw in the game is that all of us won’t be able to watch the first episode together, so we’ll have to be on our honor not to cheat (e.g., filling out the entry form after the first rose ceremony).  So, if you’re a cheater by nature, that’s fine.  Find some other game to play.

So, how fun is that? The bad news is that it has forced me to watch The Bachelorette. And, the good news is that is has forced me to watch The Bachelorette. Currently, I’m in third place in the game, and I have Ryan P. as the winner with William coming in second. My other top five finishers are: Ben F., J.P. and Ben. C. I know there are spoilers out there, but I haven’t looked. I don’t plan on it. I will wait and see.

So, I will give my take on the show each week, but not a play by plan like I will on Bridezillas. I think Ashley may have a few issues and may actually fall for the bad boys, thus Bentley. I’m tired of her saying, “I know this works” when, in fact, we know it doesn’t. This is a game, and these guys are playing to win. And, if she likes the bad boys, we know it will never work for her.

So do I hate Bentley? Not really. He would probably make a great bachelor for next season and definitely great TV. There are a lot of women that would LOVE him. He knows it is a game, which it is. To me, it’s no different that “Survivor.” The best player is left standing at the end. He almost deserves a medal for at least knowing he had no interest in her and bailing.

And, are any of the bachelors or bachelorettes really looking for love? I don’t know. Are they just playing the game? Looking for TV time? Trying to get a “dancing” gig? Looking to get a start as a stand-up comedian? I actually think so. And it’s good TV no matter what their reasons, I guess.

Personally, I am a romantic, but I also am a realist. I hope they find love, but I doubt it.

Bridezillas (Season 8 Opener) — Erika and Krystal

I'm on to Bridezillas.

They are badder than ever. A whole new breed of mean. You’ve been warned. The promos sound promising! And, the first two brides don’t disappoint.

First up, Erika, a 25-year-old big bad bully from Louisiana who is marrying Will, also 25. Erica has a ferocious bark, but her bite might not be as bad. She and Will met on Facebook … a very modern romance. She calls it a love/hate relationship, and he calls it dysfunctional. Both are right. She cusses, cries, pouts, takes a swing now and then and talks verbal nonsense (seriously) to get her way. Will is worried about his actual survival prior to the wedding. I’m more worried about her sister’s survival (more on her in a second).

Erica resorts to the mantra of all bridezillas on why she is able to act unreasonable and whiny and downright awful … well, it’s because it is “my day.”

Fight No. 1 is with poor Will. He won’t tell her his song choices for the wedding (in his defense, he wants to surprise her at the wedding), so she resorts to tearing his list to shreds.

Next up is her bachelorette party. She gets drunk (what? a drunk bridezilla?), and her mom (who is at the strip club getting drunk with the girls) shows why she is a candidate for mother-of-the-year by giving Erika a shoulder to sleep on and promptly blowing cigarette smoke in her face. But all this is minor compared to the inappropriate behavior she shows throughout the evening related to the strippers. You get the picture. I can’t even go there. I couldn’t help but want to be a fly on the wall when sweet Will was watching this last night with his blushing bride. He might not have been very happy.

Speaking of not happy. Fight No. 2 is a brawl with Jamika, Erika’s sister. Erika is upset that “everyone is at work or school and I’m having to do wedding stuff all by myself.” Well, boohoo. Finally, Jamika comes home and needs to study and Erika won’t give her a break. She throws her books in the trash in hopes of convincing her that gluing boas to umbrellas is more important that studying. Finally, mom-of-the-year intervenes and TAKES ERICA’S SIDE. After all that fighting, Erika is tired and leaves Jamika to glue stuff all by herself. We all need a sister like this one.

Next day, rehearsals. Everyone is late so no rehearsal. Erika’s crying … again.  Next day, this bizarre bridal party is getting ready for the wedding and Erika wants Jamika to be her personal assistant … this time by serving breakfast to other members of the wedding party. Poor Jamika. Her tears are real. I’m feeling for this girl. Then all hell breaks loose when mom isn’t happy with the placement of the tiara of Erika’s head. I know where Erica should put that tiara.

At the actual wedding, when the minister asks Will if he takes Erika to be his bride, Will says, “I guess.” I get my first real laugh of the night. That guy has got to be second-guessing his choice.

Finally, it’s over. I’m not getting the crazy umbrella dancing at the reception. But, to each bridezilla’s taste, her own. Erica was a great way to start the season … she’s one badass bridezilla, but there’s no way she’s the worst of the bunch. Right?

And, then there is Krystal. She and her husband-to-be, Scott, reside in Florida, and what they most have in common is they LIKE TO DRINK AND PARTY. I’m not sure that’s the best foundation for a good, strong marriage. They even met at a local brewery, and she knew it was love at first sight when she saw him barfing from overindulging outside the place. Nice.

She also has the book on the “Mantras of the Bridezillas” and declares it’s an “honor to be in my wedding” and has actually kicked out most of her bridesmaids.  So, she and her one remaining friend … the maid of honor … are holding auditions for bridesmaids. Here’s the kicker. To get to be a bridesmaid, you have to go out drinking with them and do something really crazy! And, right away, it looks like Krystal’s mom should be a bridesmaid. She’s taking shots! Dancing on the bar! WHO ARE THESE MOMS?

While at the bar to strip club or whatever this place was, it seems Krystal’s friends hired a naked man, who you might say is a little overweight and hasn’t hit the gym in awhile, to do a striptease for Krystal and then Krystal does something inappropriate with him. Yes, a man she claims she finds unattractive, but hey, it was a dare. Then, she does some more VERY inappropriate things with some other dancers and OH GOODNESS. Her husband is not going to be happy watching this later. That’s a fact. Alicia, one of the auditioneers for the bridesmaid part takes on the dare to dirty dance with the naked overweight guy, and wins the opportunity to be a bridesmaid! Lucky girl.

Then, same Alicia, locks lips with an old boyfriend of Krystal’s (who supposedly is now gay) and Krystal doesn’t seem to like it for some reason and throws a drink on him. Now, why does she care? That, my friends, is a mystery.

So what does this all prove? DRUNKEN PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

So, I guess next week, we’ll see what happens at Krystal’s wedding and be introduced to a new bridezilla. Can’t wait.