Friday, May 21, 2010

Summer time

My daughter will be gone (for various reasons) for almost six weeks this summer. I thought my son would be away at school, but now it looks like he will be home for the summer. That's OK. It's a good time for him to think about his future, reconnect with family and friends, and then return renewed just in time for school to start.

Now, I was planning on enjoying my free time and doing exactly what I want, when I wanted and with whom I wanted to do it with ... now I'm a little less intoxicated thinking about my freedom because I won't be alone.

I think I made a mistake as a parent (OK, not just one, but this is one I am focusing on right now). I always put my children first, always. I never cared about what I wanted or needed when they were young. They are very used to being the center of my life, and I that is where they are comfortable. That is not their fault. I raised them that way.

Now, since my divorce and just because I want to do things for me, I think they struggle with having a mother that sometimes focuses on herself and is not always at their service 24/7. Should I back it up and go back to being that mom? Or is it OK to focus on me now that they are older? I struggle with that.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Running Away From Home

When one of my children hangs up on me in a fit of anger and the other declares I am a not-so-great mom (my words, not my child's) ... sometimes I just want to cast it all to the wind, jump in my car, forget the mortgage and head on down the road. I know it's a feelling all parents, probably all people, share at some point. Life is hard. Bills suck. People can be mean. Sometimes it's hard to know who your friends are and who they are not. And, everyone wonders, what would it be like to just start all over?

Would it be easy? Would I feel guilty leaving my children to fend for themselves? What would I miss? Who would I miss?

The answers to those questions are No. Yes. Not sure. My family.

We all fantasize about just walking away from our lives ... especially when things get hard. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I'm learning.