Monday, October 24, 2011

Bridezillas - "Tifani & Johanne"

One of the groomsmen, poor unsuspecting Marcus, did the unthinkable and missed his tux fitting. Tifani doesn't forgive or forget or nothing ... he's going to pay. So, she decides to reward him with a pan full of brownies laced with laxatives. She enlists the help of a friend for this dirty deed. They make the tasty treat, put them in the oven and promptly forget as they head to do errands. Luckily for Tifani, her mom is at her beck and call and gets the brownies from the oven for her. One problem. Mom has a sweet tooth and takes a few of the brownies for herself and Brandi (I'm guessing Tifani's sister). Tifani confesses and once again, she's lucky that mom has a sense of humor.

Later, she delivers the laxative-laced snack to her intended target.He has a bite or two and when he tries to share the brownies, Tifani doesn't like it. He's a smart guy and now he no longer wants to eat the brownies. Bathroom visit averted.

There is not a groomsman nor bridesmaid within a 10-mile radius of Tifani who doesn't get a beat down. Next to feel the heat is Jonathan's cousin. She doesn't like him and doesn't want him at her wedding so she pushes and punches to get her message across.

Then there's the rehearsal and, after that, the rehearsal dinner. Problem is ... no one wants to be around Tifani and she finds herself stranded at the wedding locale. Her mom sends someone to pick her up, and when she finally gets to the dinner, she is maaaaddd at Jonathan. He plays dumb (What? You were supposed to ride with me?) but then admits he left her there on purpose. "She was getting on my nerves." Gotta like this guy.

Wedding day arrives. She's drinking and getting ready. Jonathan is late. Will he show? He does. At the ceremony, she says a few sweet words to him and he responds appropriately with "I really love you a lot."

Just when you think you have seen it all on Bridezillas, and the worst is past you and the brides can't get any skankier or meaner or crankier ... they introduce Johanne.

Tattooed from head to toe (although that is what I like best about her), is 34-year-old Joanne, who is scheduled to marry the long-suffering (I don't understand this guy) 43-year-old Ed. If I heard right, they met in the military and, according to him, it was love at first sight. According to her, he's not all that. She claims she usually likes to date the "everybody wants to be with him" type of guy and poor Ed is just the opposite. Those are her words. She admits she agreed to marry him because she wants a wedding. And, for one more reason, because no matter how bad she treats him, no matter how many times she cheats on him ... he takes it. This guy is something else. Or she is.

Johanne heads to a pawn shop to buy him a cheap ring. His reward for marrying her. She cries broke and only spends $200 for his ring. Then, something catches her eye. A ring for herself! That one is $2,400 and, yes, she shells out the cash.

But the worst is yet to come. She wants Ed to get a tattoo that she has picked out while she gets a tattoo at the same time. He's blindfolded and she chooses a tattoo for him that reads "Property of Joanne" with big red lips. Her tattoo is on the inside of her thigh and declares the truth ... 100 % Certifiable. While her fiance is blindfolded and being branded, she is flirting, scheduling a date (yes A DATE) with and kissing (yes KISSING) the tattoo artist on her side of the wall. Ed sadly says, "Getting the tattoo wasn't painful. Listening to the sexual banter from my wife really hurt."

Poor Ed. I'm wondering if this wedding will happen.We'll see next week.

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