Monday, June 13, 2011

Bridezillas (Season 8 Opener) — Erika and Krystal

I'm on to Bridezillas.

They are badder than ever. A whole new breed of mean. You’ve been warned. The promos sound promising! And, the first two brides don’t disappoint.

First up, Erika, a 25-year-old big bad bully from Louisiana who is marrying Will, also 25. Erica has a ferocious bark, but her bite might not be as bad. She and Will met on Facebook … a very modern romance. She calls it a love/hate relationship, and he calls it dysfunctional. Both are right. She cusses, cries, pouts, takes a swing now and then and talks verbal nonsense (seriously) to get her way. Will is worried about his actual survival prior to the wedding. I’m more worried about her sister’s survival (more on her in a second).

Erica resorts to the mantra of all bridezillas on why she is able to act unreasonable and whiny and downright awful … well, it’s because it is “my day.”

Fight No. 1 is with poor Will. He won’t tell her his song choices for the wedding (in his defense, he wants to surprise her at the wedding), so she resorts to tearing his list to shreds.

Next up is her bachelorette party. She gets drunk (what? a drunk bridezilla?), and her mom (who is at the strip club getting drunk with the girls) shows why she is a candidate for mother-of-the-year by giving Erika a shoulder to sleep on and promptly blowing cigarette smoke in her face. But all this is minor compared to the inappropriate behavior she shows throughout the evening related to the strippers. You get the picture. I can’t even go there. I couldn’t help but want to be a fly on the wall when sweet Will was watching this last night with his blushing bride. He might not have been very happy.

Speaking of not happy. Fight No. 2 is a brawl with Jamika, Erika’s sister. Erika is upset that “everyone is at work or school and I’m having to do wedding stuff all by myself.” Well, boohoo. Finally, Jamika comes home and needs to study and Erika won’t give her a break. She throws her books in the trash in hopes of convincing her that gluing boas to umbrellas is more important that studying. Finally, mom-of-the-year intervenes and TAKES ERICA’S SIDE. After all that fighting, Erika is tired and leaves Jamika to glue stuff all by herself. We all need a sister like this one.

Next day, rehearsals. Everyone is late so no rehearsal. Erika’s crying … again.  Next day, this bizarre bridal party is getting ready for the wedding and Erika wants Jamika to be her personal assistant … this time by serving breakfast to other members of the wedding party. Poor Jamika. Her tears are real. I’m feeling for this girl. Then all hell breaks loose when mom isn’t happy with the placement of the tiara of Erika’s head. I know where Erica should put that tiara.

At the actual wedding, when the minister asks Will if he takes Erika to be his bride, Will says, “I guess.” I get my first real laugh of the night. That guy has got to be second-guessing his choice.

Finally, it’s over. I’m not getting the crazy umbrella dancing at the reception. But, to each bridezilla’s taste, her own. Erica was a great way to start the season … she’s one badass bridezilla, but there’s no way she’s the worst of the bunch. Right?

And, then there is Krystal. She and her husband-to-be, Scott, reside in Florida, and what they most have in common is they LIKE TO DRINK AND PARTY. I’m not sure that’s the best foundation for a good, strong marriage. They even met at a local brewery, and she knew it was love at first sight when she saw him barfing from overindulging outside the place. Nice.

She also has the book on the “Mantras of the Bridezillas” and declares it’s an “honor to be in my wedding” and has actually kicked out most of her bridesmaids.  So, she and her one remaining friend … the maid of honor … are holding auditions for bridesmaids. Here’s the kicker. To get to be a bridesmaid, you have to go out drinking with them and do something really crazy! And, right away, it looks like Krystal’s mom should be a bridesmaid. She’s taking shots! Dancing on the bar! WHO ARE THESE MOMS?

While at the bar to strip club or whatever this place was, it seems Krystal’s friends hired a naked man, who you might say is a little overweight and hasn’t hit the gym in awhile, to do a striptease for Krystal and then Krystal does something inappropriate with him. Yes, a man she claims she finds unattractive, but hey, it was a dare. Then, she does some more VERY inappropriate things with some other dancers and OH GOODNESS. Her husband is not going to be happy watching this later. That’s a fact. Alicia, one of the auditioneers for the bridesmaid part takes on the dare to dirty dance with the naked overweight guy, and wins the opportunity to be a bridesmaid! Lucky girl.

Then, same Alicia, locks lips with an old boyfriend of Krystal’s (who supposedly is now gay) and Krystal doesn’t seem to like it for some reason and throws a drink on him. Now, why does she care? That, my friends, is a mystery.

So what does this all prove? DRUNKEN PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

So, I guess next week, we’ll see what happens at Krystal’s wedding and be introduced to a new bridezilla. Can’t wait.

No comments: