Bridezillas - "Daphne & Johanne"

Johanne
I've been delaying the inevitable. Writing about Johanne. For  two days, I didn't want to think about her. I feel dirty just putting her name on my blog. I said she was the "worst" in my last blog, but she has taken me to new low levels. She was hard to watch, and even harder to understand.

Anyway, she's picking up tuxedos with her brother. She doesn't like the color she chose so it's a redo. In the next scene, she's misplaced her tiara for her wedding. She's searching everywhere through mounds and piles of junk and clothes and crap. She should be on one of those hoarder or messy homes shows. Her place is a wreck. She never finds the tiara, but nobody could find anything in that trash heap. She wants to call off her wedding because of the missing headpiece. There's so so many reasons to call off this divorce-in-waiting that I'm all for it. Because of the tiara? Let's do it. Run for your life, Ed. Please. You will wish you had after you see what happens next ...

Johanne goes on a date (I SAID IT, YES, A DATE) with a friend. Not Ed, her fiance, but some random friend. She meets him at a bar, they drink a little and on the way out the door, he asks her if she wants to come by his place. She asks if the KIDS are there. No, thank God. What about his chick? Yes, she's there. Is that cool? Yes, that's cool. I had to rewind this scene a few times to make sure I understand that he's actually taking someone home from a date to his home and his girlfriend. It wasn't a bad dream. And, if that wasn't bad enough ... Johanne is looking forward to meeting his girlfriend because "she's cute." Then, she's at the house, the girls take a spin on the stripper pole and, SURPRISE, they all end up laughing and playing kissy face on the bed. Lights out. Cameras gone.

Poor, poor Ed. RUN, ED, RUN.

Johanne admits she's not sure she's in love with Ed. I'm pretty damn sure she is not even if she is "iffy" about it. This girl is the WORST. More of her next week. Hopefully, there won't be a wedding.

Daphne 
After Johanne, Daphne looks like a little sweet princess when she is really a whiny, spoiled, pouty little brat. Daphne, 20, is marrying Drew, 28, in Parsons, South Dakota, although they both live in Georgia. It's a wedding by proxy. Others will have to make it happen.

She can't decide on the theme. We have a rainbow-colored cake, Asian-themed bridesmaid gowns, a taste of the military (she served, thank you Daphne) party theme. Doesn't really make sense.

Daphe has changed the "flavor" of her wedding cake and color of her wedding cake at least a dozen times, and that's why she's ended up with the rainbow effect.  By the way, she likes cakes but hates doughnuts. Her fiancee loves doughnuts. She hates them so much that she forces him to eat all the doughnuts at once that he bought when she wasn't looking. She obviously doesn't understand that this is NOT a punishment for a doughnut lover.

She's one of the few brides that gets mad at her friends rather than the hairstylist at her "hair trial." I was mad at them both. The friend was critical, and Daphne overreacted ... so after a thrown comb and a shove, the bridesmaid is out the door. Then, the dress. It's half a dress she picked out, and it's half of her mother's dress. Put it all together and you have a "frankendress." Loved that reference, so I stole it from the show. It's a hot mess and doesn't fit.

It's time to decorate for the big day. So, for her Asian-Military-Rainbow-themed wedding in what looks like an abandoned building, Daphne purchases STREAMERS. Who uses streamers at an Asian-Military-Rainbow-themed wedding? And the streamers are orange and blue, which really doesn't go with the red, white and blue AND rainbow color palette.

The wedding goes on streamers and fold-out chairs and all. But, Drew's parents do not show. They don't approve of the match so they have boycotted the event. I felt sorry for Daphne. She's not that bad. His parents should be thankful she is not Johanne.